“If he beats you, he loves you” – someone else’s narrative that needs to be forgotten
3 June 2024 15:49
Tetyana Zotova, director of the Kyiv City Centre for Gender Equality and Combating Violence, head of the NGO “Association of Experts on Preventing and Combating Gender-Based Violence”, specially for Kommersant Ukrainian 
At the beginning of the year, a 22-year-old woman with three children came to our crisis room. The eldest boy is 9 years old, the youngest is 6 months old. I’m sure you’ve stopped now and are counting in your head. Yes, I gave birth at the age of 13. The woman was beaten, the children were in a terrible state. The children didn’t even have shoes, just socks that were stiff with mud. She was brought by one of the four mobile teams operating in Kyiv. This is a special service for emergency assistance to victims of domestic violence. The brigade was called by the police when they arrived at the scene.
We put the woman and her children in a crisis room. We provided emergency assistance, took them to the doctors, fed and dressed the children. Social workers, psychologists and lawyers started working with her. However, after recovering, the woman began to claim that she was fine and returned to her abuser. The child protection service is currently working with the family.
Unfortunately, this case is currently negative, but I am deliberately describing this case to make it clear that most victims of domestic violence cannot immediately leave their abuser. The way out of the cycle of violence is complex, long and requires a lot of effort not only from the victim, but also from the professionals who support her along the way.
I’ll add some statistics: in 2023, the number of appeals regarding domestic violence cases to us increased by 60% compared to 2022. And at the beginning of this year, there were even more calls. For example, all our crisis rooms and shelters were almost 100% full at the beginning of the year.
And now to the main point. Three first steps to get out of the circle of domestic violence.
Step one. Awareness. Everyone who faces domestic violence needs to realise that the problem will not solve itself. It happens only in books, when the abuser disappears or changes and the problem disappears. In life, the opposite is true – over time, the time intervals between violent acts become shorter and the violence becomes more violent.
By the way, I would like to debunk the myth that domestic violence affects only women. About 20% of the victims who come to us are men. We should also not forget about children, because when there is domestic violence, children are always considered victims, even if they have not been directly physically abused. When a child sees violence at home, they suffer serious psychological trauma. This has already been proven.
Step two. Seek help. Don’t be afraid, don’t think about being judged. There is no shame in speaking out, only in remaining silent and putting yourself and your children in danger. So, when a person decides to break the cycle of violence and leave the abuser, our specialised services (the so-called services that help victims of domestic violence) are of great help.
Step three. Go. Take the plunge and change your life. Help is at hand. Using Kyiv as an example, I can say that we have a developed network of specialised services. Day centres, shelters, and crisis rooms operate on the basis of the Kyiv City Centre for Gender Equality. Similar services have been created and are successfully operating in many cities of Ukraine. To find out more, you just need to call the Helpline. We provide psychological, social, information and legal assistance to victims. It is important that all assistance is free of charge. It will be easier and faster to get out of the cycle of violence with outside help.
In conclusion, I would like to note that the experience of leading countries shows that the way to prevent domestic violence is progressive. It saves social and economic resources of society. In other words, it is better to teach people to have zero tolerance for violence than to deal with its consequences later.
In general, I am convinced that the saying “If you hit, you love” is not about Ukraine. It was inspired by a foreign invading culture, and we must make every effort to forget it forever and build a happy society free of violence.
Phone numbers to call for help:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
116 123 or 0 800 500 335.
In Kyiv: from a mobile phone - (044) 272 15 00, from a landline - 15 00
